Struggles

First a funny story. Yesterday I was in ward D1 when all of a sudden I realized that the noise level had gone up significantly and the hall was filled with professional people and cameras. It was a little chaotic and I had no idea what was going on. After some man signed an autograph right next to the table where I sat, I asked a boy walking past if he knew why all the people were there. He just shrugged his shoulders. Finally, I found out that a really famous cricket player was visiting and that’s who was signing the autograph. On the front page of today’s newspaper there was a picture of this renowned athlete and the little boy I spoke to! Typical me to be so oblivious.

On to heavier matters. There are good days and bad days. My mindset and attitude about my being here in South Africa usually determines how my day goes. Recently, I’ve been having a more difficult time thinking positively. In regards to the Red Cross, what I’ve chosen to write about on my blog has naturally been my most exciting and meaningful experiences. But sometimes I sit at a computer for a large portion of the day and basically do nothing. I have my two projects and my research paper (as well as a paper on Nigerian oil for one of my classes) to keep me busy this month, but I can’t help but to think that my work at the hospital is completely not contributory. There’s already been so much research on burns and myelomeningocele published, so many journals written – what’s the point? What am I even doing here? There has to be some reason, right? Before studying abroad, the other students and I were told by Vernon himself (program coordinator in Cape Town) not to anticipate being able to make much of a difference at all. He said that while we will most likely have an effect at our internships, we won’t solve the problems of Africa and we certainly won’t save the world. Realistically, I knew that was true and I tried to leave my lofty expectations at home. Here’s the thing. I can choose to feel useless and unworthy and be stuck in overwhelming helplessness and laziness, or I can take one day at a time and find a way to keep motivated. I must realize that I’m abroad to learn about a part of the world I would have never known or understood otherwise, having not actually lived here. My purpose is not to change people’s lives, but rather more simply (and selfishly?) to learn about the people of culture of South Africa and to allow that to expand my worldview, broaden my knowledge, and open my mind to new and different ideas. But that leads me to question how I’m supposed to take what I’ve experienced and use it/how I am to change. For instance, am I supposed to witness and ponder the extreme disparity of wealth and poverty in this country just to come back home to my comfortable, middle-class life? There is no middle class here. I can’t think like that, though; I can’t decide how something is to affect me as that is completely counter intuitive. Instead of my usual planning and analyzing, I must live and absorb and maybe NOT think so much.

These issues are what I’m struggling with every day. I know that I am extremely privileged to travel to South Africa, and while I might be brave for going so far away, that does not make me a noble person for being here. I wanted to clarify that point. While I’d love to be able to say that my being here has made a difference in somebody’s life that is almost always an unknown. In general – anywhere. I am just a girl trying to learn about this place, because that is all I can do.

Thank you for continuing following by blog!